catotinha

So here we are. Another problem we can confidently attribute to that thing between the chair and the keyboard.
 
After trying a lot of weird stuff that made little sense and achieved no positive results whatsoever I started noticing and becoming annoyed at some strange details about ports, pictures and procedures piling up. There were always little things here and there not lining up perfectly with the articles, howtos, etc I was reading. After another wasted evening, burning out and angry, I decided to start reconciling facts by finding out if there were more Orange Pi Plus 2e models or revs, because mine almost matched up with the images, but not quite (and you probably already figured this one out, but I am a little denser than most). After not finding any indications that there were any alt models (and a good night's sleep to clear my mind) it finally dawned on me. I asked my brother about it and he confirmed that the model was indeed a +2e, he even sent me me the PDF receipt. From what I can piece from the episode, the hardware he got from the store is very similar and until some version, things worked fine for him even with the wrong version of the software, but at some point (when he was no longer using the board) compatibility broke.

TL;DR
I was trying to use Opi +2e software on a Opi +2 board.

Everything is fine now. Thanks to the nice people who helped me here.